Where Did She Go?

There was a time when I had nervous butterflies at the thought of juggling work, social life, and family life.

And those nervous butterflies translated into adrenaline.

And that adrenaline turned into super-productivity resulting in euphoric multi-tasking bliss.

So what changed?

My internal monologue broke.  That’s what.

Instead of feeling high like I used to, I often feel heavy.

I used to be pretty damn good at positive self-talk.  This came from years of practice, raised as a single child, playing alone in my room… lonely.  There was no one to judge me.  No one to shoot me down.  So I got pretty good at raising myself up.  Giving myself props.  Boosting my confidence.

Nobody can make you feel anything.  You make you feel things.  That’s what my mom used to (still does) say… roughly paraphrased.  And there was a time where all it took was to remind myself of that… that I was in control of my emotions… and I could set myself right.  Talk myself through (what I realise now was) a panic attack.   Push the negative bullying thoughts aside.  Focus on the positive.

But that seems harder to do now.  And I’m not 100% sure why.  I never used to doubt myself as much as I do now.  Maybe now that I’m a parent, that I have a higher level of overall life responsibilities, I feel a bit more fragile.  A bit more vulnerable.  A bit more scared that I can’t keep it up.

But keep it up to whose expectations exactly?  My own!  My own stupidly high expectations.  It’s true.  I make ME feel things.  So why am I making myself feel fragile… vulnerable… scared?  These emotions should be on the same level as guilt and anger… utterly useless to hold on to.  Exhausting.  Draining.

So, yeah, internal monologue… I need to find her again.  Starting with this:

” I did enough work today.  It was productive and satisfying.  I cuddled my daughters.  I connected with friends.  I took time for myself.  Today was a pretty damn good day.”

And, yeah, I may not fully believe it now.  But that’s because she’s quiet.  I suspect she’ll get louder, one day soon, if I keep giving her a chance to speak up.

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4 thoughts on “Where Did She Go?

  1. I know those days. You are ahead of many people because at least you know and believe that you can take control and turn things around. Some people feel hopeless and feel no control at all.

    • Maybe so, but five minutes after posting this I started giving myself a hard time over a small task that I started but didn’t finish. I guess I still have a ways to go. 😉

      Also, thanks for reading!

  2. You will find your confident, inner monologue again. But in the meantime, remember that no one can give endlessly or tirelessly…even to themselves. I think it’s fine to have tired days, to have down moments and times when you just can’t boost yourself up.

    But I can give it a shot! 🙂

    You ARE doing an amazing job as a parent. Your girls are healthy, energetic, funny little people. I know you get frustrated sometimes, but that’s okay. It’s obvious to me how well you care for them and how much you love them.

    You’re a beautiful person, inside and out. I truly respect all the work you do but that’s not *why* I love you. I love you because you’re kind and open-minded and open-hearted. And hilarious. I like people who are one-of-a-kind and I’ve never met anyone quite like you.

    You deserve every good thing that you have. You do *more* than enough work. You’re a great woman. You’re a successful artist. You’re a fantastic parent. And even if you’re feeling a little heavier and blue these days, that’s okay. You’re allowed. Just remember that you are very, very loved!

    xo

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